I’m attempting to unpack the past three months, and clear the decks for another writing deadline I have looming. It’s been a gloriously busy Spring, I have been onstage a lot.
March and April were the rehearsals and then the tour of Grant Sharkey’s musical ‘Are You Worthy?’ We were a cast of six, plus Dan, our tech. We did eleven performances in Ryde, Totton, Cerne Abbas, Salisbury, Pilton, Andover, Reading, Colwyn, Birmingham, Northampton and London. Every venue was very different; there were theatres, working mens’ clubs and community centres, and one was in a beer garden. Before every show we unloaded and assembled the set, while Dan ran around setting up mics. For every show we had a sound check and had to renegotiate our entrances and exits. We developed roles and rituals as part of a team, and we also had time to chat and play. It was almost like the actual show became the least interesting part of our time together.
And ‘Are You Worthy?’ is a really great show. A bit crude and satirical, but wholly optimistic and very, very funny. It brought a lot of joy into rooms of people, and we had a hoot doing it. My role was primarily acting, I didn’t have to do much singing by myself. The singing was the aspect of the show I struggled with most, and worked very hard to overcome. My singing, and really the whole show was never perfect. Something always went a bit awry. There were awkward silences, missed cues, missing props, misbehaving props…The show found something new every time we performed it. I couldn’t believe how hard we all worked, I have not known a tiredness like that for a long time.
I didn’t fully ‘get’ what ‘Are You Worthy?’ was about until I saw what it was doing to audiences. Grant has built a huge following over the years, and it felt like it was just the thing people wanted/needed to see at that time. Again, the words “Just have fun” ring in my ears from people who have believed in me and gave me the nudge I needed. And also “Be where you are” which releases any shame in not being perfect. There’s so much more to say about what I learned, but I’ll say this: it was very different to all these years I’ve had as a solo performer, it tested my edges, but I was part of something very special.
I have a job three days a week as a Wardrobe Supervisor, and I do freelance work as a Funeral Celebrant and seasonally for The People’s Front Room. I run theatre workshops occasionally, and I have other writing projects happening too. None of this work I can turn down, the alternative to being busy is being poor, and I gratefully kept it all going throughout the Spring. I’m writing this at the end of May, having just got back from a weekend working at How The Light Gets In. I’ve got to slow down a bit in June.
On May 4th and 19th I performed ‘Jeu Jeu la Foille’s Testy Manifesto in Brighton as part of the fringe. My first evening in Brighton - the night before my first show as a friend had kindly offered me their spare room for the night - was quite traumatic. The day of the show I tech'd and then sat on the beach going over my lines. I did the show; there were six people in the audience, two of them were old friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I was so glad I had managed to get through it all. I extended Wanda the Wandering Womb’s section by adding a new poem, and a proper introduction from Wanda. I had to read the words from a sheet of paper for the new poem, but the audience are looking at Wanda then, so no one minded, and it was still the part of the show that got the biggest audience reaction.
In the period of time just before this show and the one on the 19th, the Man Versus Bear thing had blown up all over the internet. I really wanted to write another poem for Wanda, whose ‘poetry combines 4th wave feminism with 90’s popular music’ and it so happened that while driving home from the show I’d somehow managed to get through, the perfect song came on the radio and I had the makings of a new poem – that I again read from a sheet of paper on the floor for the second show. Wanda introduced the new poem as ‘a premiere as they say in French-speaking countries.’
I had a much bigger audience for the second show, lots of my newer friends came, and appeared to love it. My costumes changes didn’t go as smoothly as I would’ve liked, but the words were more secure this time, and it was one of my more emotional performances of this show. Perhaps because I have no plans to perform it again?
Before I make any plans, before I do anything else, I have to respond to an absolutely terrible review I received from this second in the run, and maybe the last time I do it show. He said nothing positive about the venue, the show or me. He quotes parts of my show copy and artist bio and says that he disagrees with it. He says that he learned ‘very little’ about intimate partner violence, and that I had little to say on the subject. He even blames me for escalating the argument I have with my skeleton at the start.
When I first read the review I decided to sit with it to myself for a day. Later I confided in two wise women friends and expressed some of my outrage; allowing myself to laugh about it too. Now that I am back at my desk, I’ve gone over the notes I made and the thoughts I had over the past six days, and I’ve just re-read the review. I kind of don’t know what to say, so I’m just going to re-write the notes I made yesterday. You can maybe see how the emotion rises as I continue.
I’ll leave you with Wanda’s new poems. She has her own spin off set now with three poems in total. I’m going to make her a miniature prop poetry book to ‘read’ from. I very much doubt that will be the last time I perform Testy Manifesto..
With love,
JJlFxx
Man V’s Bear
Hypothetical question
Man versus bear, which would you rather encounter
Well I’m that bear, and I care, stroke my tummy and you’ll find out
So run your hands through my fur and I bet you feel safety
Yes I’m Barney, yes I’m Rupert and just the necessities
I’m Paddington, and you are my Queen
Eat your porridge Goldilocks, and lick that spoon clean
I want you smothered in honey like I’m Winnie the Pooh
Kung Fu Panda, never need your anger
Just like Fozzie looking on the bright side
Yogi in his truck taking you out for a ride
Forever Friends
You and me baby, we aint nothing but mammals
Let’s call Ruxpin, Boo Boo and the Sylvalian bear families
You and me baby, we aint nothing but mammals
And have a picnic in the woods in man-free luxury
Marmalade sandwiches
Love, the kind that’s grizzly and emphatic
Like Sooty I’ll tell you secrets, and impress you with my magic
I’m terrific, let me be specific, I’m safer than an unknown man
If I attack you, its not to get back at you, or part of some sick plan
I shoot rainbows not guns, care bear stare, not a big scare
I grant wishes, no wolf whistles, it won’t matter what you wear
So you be Cindy, I’ll be Yogi
I’m Baloo, that makes you Mogali
And we’ll have a lovely picnic, no men, you and me only
Wocka Wocka
You and me baby, we aint nothing but mammals
Let’s get Bungle, and Sue, and SuperTed too
You and me baby, we aint nothing but mammals
Gentle Ben, your forever friend, men you find something else to do
Not All Men
Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That my opinion wasn’t wanted here
Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn’t have talked over you
It’s everyone’s favourite argument.
Show me, honestly I’m a safe man
None of that is my fault, I need to know now, oh because
My entitlement still befuddles me
I must confess I still believe unconsciously
When I'm just trying to have a debate
Give me a meme, hashtag, baby it’s not all men
Oh, baby, baby, the curfew idea it’s really cute
Look, I’m one of the good guys
Oh, pretty baby, be grateful for the attention
That’s not the way I meant it
Show me how you want it to be
Tone police me, 'cause I need to know now, oh, because
The patriarchy is killing me too, and I
I must confess I still believe it’s all about me
When my good behaviour isn’t rewarded I lose my mind
It was a compliment for fucks sake it’s not all men
Oh, baby, baby, how were you supposed to know?
Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn't have blamed your clothes
I must confess that my self-concept is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
In the social script, so give me a slice
Of the poisoned patriarchal pie.
My mansplaining is killing me, though
I must insist I still believe you asked for it
When I'm called out I lose my mind
Give me a pass, what about men it’s not all men
I must confess that my loneliness is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
In the status quo, but I’ll give you this
It’s not all men, but it is too many of them.
March and April were the rehearsals and then the tour of Grant Sharkey’s musical ‘Are You Worthy?’ We were a cast of six, plus Dan, our tech. We did eleven performances in Ryde, Totton, Cerne Abbas, Salisbury, Pilton, Andover, Reading, Colwyn, Birmingham, Northampton and London. Every venue was very different; there were theatres, working mens’ clubs and community centres, and one was in a beer garden. Before every show we unloaded and assembled the set, while Dan ran around setting up mics. For every show we had a sound check and had to renegotiate our entrances and exits. We developed roles and rituals as part of a team, and we also had time to chat and play. It was almost like the actual show became the least interesting part of our time together.
And ‘Are You Worthy?’ is a really great show. A bit crude and satirical, but wholly optimistic and very, very funny. It brought a lot of joy into rooms of people, and we had a hoot doing it. My role was primarily acting, I didn’t have to do much singing by myself. The singing was the aspect of the show I struggled with most, and worked very hard to overcome. My singing, and really the whole show was never perfect. Something always went a bit awry. There were awkward silences, missed cues, missing props, misbehaving props…The show found something new every time we performed it. I couldn’t believe how hard we all worked, I have not known a tiredness like that for a long time.
I didn’t fully ‘get’ what ‘Are You Worthy?’ was about until I saw what it was doing to audiences. Grant has built a huge following over the years, and it felt like it was just the thing people wanted/needed to see at that time. Again, the words “Just have fun” ring in my ears from people who have believed in me and gave me the nudge I needed. And also “Be where you are” which releases any shame in not being perfect. There’s so much more to say about what I learned, but I’ll say this: it was very different to all these years I’ve had as a solo performer, it tested my edges, but I was part of something very special.
I have a job three days a week as a Wardrobe Supervisor, and I do freelance work as a Funeral Celebrant and seasonally for The People’s Front Room. I run theatre workshops occasionally, and I have other writing projects happening too. None of this work I can turn down, the alternative to being busy is being poor, and I gratefully kept it all going throughout the Spring. I’m writing this at the end of May, having just got back from a weekend working at How The Light Gets In. I’ve got to slow down a bit in June.
On May 4th and 19th I performed ‘Jeu Jeu la Foille’s Testy Manifesto in Brighton as part of the fringe. My first evening in Brighton - the night before my first show as a friend had kindly offered me their spare room for the night - was quite traumatic. The day of the show I tech'd and then sat on the beach going over my lines. I did the show; there were six people in the audience, two of them were old friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I was so glad I had managed to get through it all. I extended Wanda the Wandering Womb’s section by adding a new poem, and a proper introduction from Wanda. I had to read the words from a sheet of paper for the new poem, but the audience are looking at Wanda then, so no one minded, and it was still the part of the show that got the biggest audience reaction.
In the period of time just before this show and the one on the 19th, the Man Versus Bear thing had blown up all over the internet. I really wanted to write another poem for Wanda, whose ‘poetry combines 4th wave feminism with 90’s popular music’ and it so happened that while driving home from the show I’d somehow managed to get through, the perfect song came on the radio and I had the makings of a new poem – that I again read from a sheet of paper on the floor for the second show. Wanda introduced the new poem as ‘a premiere as they say in French-speaking countries.’
I had a much bigger audience for the second show, lots of my newer friends came, and appeared to love it. My costumes changes didn’t go as smoothly as I would’ve liked, but the words were more secure this time, and it was one of my more emotional performances of this show. Perhaps because I have no plans to perform it again?
Before I make any plans, before I do anything else, I have to respond to an absolutely terrible review I received from this second in the run, and maybe the last time I do it show. He said nothing positive about the venue, the show or me. He quotes parts of my show copy and artist bio and says that he disagrees with it. He says that he learned ‘very little’ about intimate partner violence, and that I had little to say on the subject. He even blames me for escalating the argument I have with my skeleton at the start.
When I first read the review I decided to sit with it to myself for a day. Later I confided in two wise women friends and expressed some of my outrage; allowing myself to laugh about it too. Now that I am back at my desk, I’ve gone over the notes I made and the thoughts I had over the past six days, and I’ve just re-read the review. I kind of don’t know what to say, so I’m just going to re-write the notes I made yesterday. You can maybe see how the emotion rises as I continue.
- Getting in and out of costumes onstage and transitioning between pieces of writing and characters or ‘voices’ is difficult, but that is where I give the audience a rest from taking in words.
- Usually 3-5 stages in a narrative arc.
- Visual theatre lies in the gaps, and the way each piece of writing is framed by the objects, costumes, and positioning/posture.
- Laughter from the women in the audience.
- The French in TM isn’t meant to be understood in full, rather it’s to trick me into becoming more animated, and so that I’m in character as a kind of narrator.
- Resonates with survivors and those who know survivors.
- I knew it was a risk bringing two new poems that I hadn’t memorised, and one I’d only finished a few days before. But I know that Wanda’s part is the bit people seem to love the most. I looked at her during the first, original poem, and all puppeteers know that you look where you want the audience to look. But with two new poems I had to read them off pieces of paper on the floor (I’m crouched down low at this point, and the Wanda puppet is raised up on my left arm). So I looked at the floor for about five minutes, and up at Wanda when I could. But the words are coming out of her mouth, I even make my voice quite different. But still this reviewer thought that I was ‘only’ reading my words. There’s a puppet, you’re not meant to be looking at me.
- I trained as a mime artist and THEN became a poet. There is irony in there, and that’s intentional.
- Don’t tell me that you walk away from my show not having learned anything about intimate partner violence or systemic misogyny, I know that’s not true because of the amount of people that tell me otherwise, both to my face and anonymously.
- He even blames me for escalating an argument with my skeleton.
I’ll leave you with Wanda’s new poems. She has her own spin off set now with three poems in total. I’m going to make her a miniature prop poetry book to ‘read’ from. I very much doubt that will be the last time I perform Testy Manifesto..
With love,
JJlFxx
Man V’s Bear
Hypothetical question
Man versus bear, which would you rather encounter
Well I’m that bear, and I care, stroke my tummy and you’ll find out
So run your hands through my fur and I bet you feel safety
Yes I’m Barney, yes I’m Rupert and just the necessities
I’m Paddington, and you are my Queen
Eat your porridge Goldilocks, and lick that spoon clean
I want you smothered in honey like I’m Winnie the Pooh
Kung Fu Panda, never need your anger
Just like Fozzie looking on the bright side
Yogi in his truck taking you out for a ride
Forever Friends
You and me baby, we aint nothing but mammals
Let’s call Ruxpin, Boo Boo and the Sylvalian bear families
You and me baby, we aint nothing but mammals
And have a picnic in the woods in man-free luxury
Marmalade sandwiches
Love, the kind that’s grizzly and emphatic
Like Sooty I’ll tell you secrets, and impress you with my magic
I’m terrific, let me be specific, I’m safer than an unknown man
If I attack you, its not to get back at you, or part of some sick plan
I shoot rainbows not guns, care bear stare, not a big scare
I grant wishes, no wolf whistles, it won’t matter what you wear
So you be Cindy, I’ll be Yogi
I’m Baloo, that makes you Mogali
And we’ll have a lovely picnic, no men, you and me only
Wocka Wocka
You and me baby, we aint nothing but mammals
Let’s get Bungle, and Sue, and SuperTed too
You and me baby, we aint nothing but mammals
Gentle Ben, your forever friend, men you find something else to do
Not All Men
Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That my opinion wasn’t wanted here
Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn’t have talked over you
It’s everyone’s favourite argument.
Show me, honestly I’m a safe man
None of that is my fault, I need to know now, oh because
My entitlement still befuddles me
I must confess I still believe unconsciously
When I'm just trying to have a debate
Give me a meme, hashtag, baby it’s not all men
Oh, baby, baby, the curfew idea it’s really cute
Look, I’m one of the good guys
Oh, pretty baby, be grateful for the attention
That’s not the way I meant it
Show me how you want it to be
Tone police me, 'cause I need to know now, oh, because
The patriarchy is killing me too, and I
I must confess I still believe it’s all about me
When my good behaviour isn’t rewarded I lose my mind
It was a compliment for fucks sake it’s not all men
Oh, baby, baby, how were you supposed to know?
Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn't have blamed your clothes
I must confess that my self-concept is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
In the social script, so give me a slice
Of the poisoned patriarchal pie.
My mansplaining is killing me, though
I must insist I still believe you asked for it
When I'm called out I lose my mind
Give me a pass, what about men it’s not all men
I must confess that my loneliness is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
In the status quo, but I’ll give you this
It’s not all men, but it is too many of them.
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