Last night 'Frontal Lobotomy' got its very first outing. I performed at The Canal Cafe Theatre in London, to an intimate and lovely audience. It's safe to say this show is different to what I normally do as a burlesque performer. I'm a clown, and a storyteller, and although some of my more recent acts have been darker in content and style, this was a leap into the unknown. I think friends that have known me for a long time, and seen me in full ridiculous mode with the A-Team or Baywatch, were surprised at how personal it was. The over-riding feedback I received was that I had a show - seems odd to say that, but when you put it in the context of an Edinburgh preview, where ideas are usually at a more larval stage at this point, it feels positive to have something solid to build on. I know I have a lot of work to do, mostly just figuring out how I present what I have, and several technical things that need fixing.

What follows is a round up of the feedback I can remember from last night, it won't make a great deal of sense to anyone who wasn't there, and this is a blog for my process, so that's ok! I'm so grateful to the people who were there, and who engaged with me in this way, I hope they come back and see it again. And also to the people who sent their apologies, I know they were cheering me on from afar, and that meant a lot.

* Is there potential for a 'real frontal lobotomy? Can you take that further with some gore? Also, the angle of the ice-pick didn't look right.
* The puppet should be bigger. (I'm going to get one made, I made the one for this show to see if the idea worked, and I agree!)
* In the breakdown you should go to town with smearing the lipstick, take that much further, more extreme.
* Liked the burlesque poem (I did mess up the lines on this, but good to know it still resonated)
* It's dreamlike, you take us on a journey, there's not a story as such, but the themes correlate.
* There's more potential for comedy. Can you be more ridiculous?
* You have enough words, and the writing is strong.
* Experiment with different voices for the pieces, stand in different areas of the stage, embody some of the characters.
* You probably don't need the mic.
* Potential for some more stage business, what about having some magic tricks? A disappearing cigarette, pull things out of Tom's hat, disappearing whiskey bottle.
* Can more things (props) appear?
* Liked the creation myth (This was an amalgamation of two stories I wrote in Berlin, with a Tom Waits reference thrown in at the end, I'm so happy it worked)
* This is so different from what I've seen you do before! (I know!)
* It's very personal, you in relation to Tom Waits, but what about Tom Waits in relation to frontal lobotomies? Didn't you tell me that the year he was born was the year they really took off as 'a cure' for mental illness? How can you bring that in? I remembered the title of the show halfway through.
* It's always felt that we were in the present, but there is a bit of a 30's vibe going on, do you always have to be in the present?
* Cabaret feel.
* Introducing the band, you should have a band (I wanted to pull out different puppets for this part of the show, so they became my band, something to work on)
* Was it all your own writing? (Yes! Although I quote a lot of Waits, and there are some Neitzsche, Jung and JD Salinger quotations too)
* It's a sweet show, a lot of work has gone into it.
* You're a great physical performer, we need more of that.
* You should decide on what your relationship to the audience is, at one point I wanted to heckle, is that invited? I wasn't sure.
* There's lots in there for the Tom Waits obsessed, and I liked how you introduced him at the start.
* Push it further, it's going to be more beautiful than it already is.

Gratitude. Gratitude. And yet more Gratitude. Xxxx

I performed four poems at Scratch That, Hackney on May 5th, and they very kindly emailed me the audience feedback:

JEU JEU LA FOILLE

• The writing is very beautiful. Wandering what the connection to Tom Waits is? What is the story attached to the words. Dreaming around your poetry.
• Great job. Would work well if someone acted this out and Jeu Jeu narrated? Good luck in Edinburgh! :)
• I felt a bit on edge until just before your final piece - you introduced yourself. The audience seemed to relax. Can you do that earlier? Then we know who you are. Before we connected to you personally, your persona seemed a bit harsh/inaccessible. You are charming though. Let us into that!
• I struggled with it, to be honest. The premise itself is a strain when Tom Waits is so raw and unconstrained. The rhyming was at times a bit basic. 
• For those who are maybe not as aware of Tom Waits, a bridge between yours and his worlds would be a good reference. Enjoyed hearing the inspiration at the end. 
• Women’s perspective very well told. But as someone not that acquainted with Tom Waits I felt a bit left out of the loop. Keep going, though, you’re very compelling!
• Just needed a little bit of set-up at the top to get us on board. 
• Would have liked to see a bit more humour within it.
• I think your nerves maybe got in the way of delivery. Felt you could let more of your personality shine through.
• Chilling piece about the girl who “got away”. Very real and moving. I love Tom Waits! Really interested to see where this show goes… will there be music?

I am very grateful to the audience for this feedback, I agree, I need more of a set up, and I could relax a bit more! It's only the second time I've read my work out loud for an audience, and the first time sober and planned - so it's a good start!

I've been back in the rehearsal room this week, working within the very tiny stage dimensions I will have in Edinburgh, and trying to finalise the last of the writing. I had a very basic run-through, and the overall impression was that it felt very dreamlike.

I had several pieces of writing that I'd started while in Berlin, either as part of the course, or inspired by my wanderings, and I've been developing these to be used as part of the show. One of these is a fairytale about a lamppost - I became quite obsessed with the lampposts while in Berlin, and on one of the 'drifts' that we were asked to do at night and with a partner, my friend Kate and I ended up at the lamppost museum in Tiergarten, and we improvised some poetry for the lampposts.

My first preview for the show is May 23rd at The Canal Cafe Theatre in London. I hope to get the whole piece as it stands filmed, and get some more feedback from the audience. It's so difficult working without a director, so every little comment helps. And now back to the writing....

The plane from Berlin landed 36 hours ago, and I'm still in the air.
And herein follows a gallery; photos I took of Berlin on my many long walks, photos of some of my work, photos of the amazing people I had adventures with...And a whole lot of nonsense.

I miss crossing from West to East every morning on my way to Eden Studios.
I miss seeing people drinking beer at 10am.
I miss swords, and masks, and rituals.
I miss hearing German on the train.
I miss the murals.
I miss the Spree.
I miss the cobbles.
I miss the long brunches and Mauerpark.
I miss the cold war towers.
I miss the drifting.
I miss the lamposts.
I miss the Green man wearing a hat at street crossings.
I miss narrowly missing trams and bikes.
I miss getting home at 5am and congratulating myself for having an early night.
I miss turning up to a party where I didn't know anyone, and joining the other guests in drawing on the wall.
I miss sharing dreams.
I miss the gay bar with the pink, furry walls.
I miss the painting of Lemmy from Motorhead as an octopus in that rock pub in Kreuzberg.
I miss falling off the meditation stools.
I miss burning my paintings in Viktoria Park.
I miss nearly missing my flight home.
I miss the strange-familiar, the mad-chilled out, the ugly-beautiful Berlin.
And now I'm full.