Happiness consists in realising it is all a great strange dream. Jack Kerouac

My Frontal Lobotomy is an oddity, it's non-conventional, encompassing many different styles. I'm usually in a small space, and that space becomes more and more filled with stuff as the show continues. I travel within this small space; I go from a bar to a house to a lecture theatre, to a psychiatric ward...By the final stages of the show it's clear to the audience what a lobotomy is, but there is a lot of information, it's too much to process in one sitting. I call upon the audience to be fully alert, and yet I encourage them to relax at the start. People tend to find that it's only in their conversations after the show that anyone can piece together the experience that they've had. And that's where it gets interesting, different people see different things, and it can play on their minds for days afterwards - so they tell me! The audience make their own world based on the aftermath of whatever they have just witnessed. The show demands a free mind, if you focus too long on one aspect it will be gone, and we're already on to something else.The through line is Tom Waits, it's strange to discover that he was born in a taxi, he is an oddity himself. The different characters I play need to be more defined, each poem or story needs its own personality. I use costume to introduce each character, but I could do more physically and vocally to prepare the audience for the change, to introduce the new theme. There is a lot of text - and for a performer who trained in physical theatre, and as a burlesque performer who hardly ever spoke, this is a big departure - maybe the audience who already know me don't expect that? I can choose the key words and deliver those, look at 'All That Jazz' for inspiration. The technical aspects are clunky, I need to either fully own doing my own cues or have someone else do it for me. The operating my own music and controlling my own blackout came from necessity when I couldn't find a technician at Edinburgh Fringe. And gradually I realised that this was a solo show, and I was on my own, and that was ok. It was just me. I made it a feature. Theatre is collaborative, at least in my experience - but how far could I take the solo performance? I didn't want to time the sound cues to fit in with my performance, I felt that could limit my play, but I don't feel that I should hide it either - I need to find a way to hit that button. Maybe limit the music changes to three moments. I could play more with the doctor character at the start, I don't need to be so afraid of the audience, perhaps set up the convention of interaction right from the word go. Could I be polishing my ice-pick as the audience enter? They first see it when I'm in the red dress for the moment, and I love that reveal, but maybe they need to see it earlier? The Brain Haikus are too difficult to read, I need to print these, maybe shine a torch. I need to really mark my territory in those doctor moments, use the audience at the back more. Audience interaction terrifies me, how do I overcome that? The audience at the front should want to look behind them, see what's going on. Every space I perform in is different, how do I figure this out? I could play with my mistakes more, there are moments when I almost trip over my dress, and I have no help, as I'm on my own - it's just me. Could I really fall? The ending of the show is cute but weak, the audience are waiting for more. Could I use the black dress I wear at the start to cover everything over again? Almost as though everything is covered and neural, waiting for the whole thing to begin again? Could I disappear into the dress? I made the black skirt for a black hole installation at LISPA. The installation didn't work, but I was left with a gigantic skirt I'd made that I knew had to be used again, for something, and it found it's use here. How can I bring it back in? And then there's Bobby Cool, the Tom Waits puppet. Named after my grandmothers first boyfriend when she was five years old, and modelled on the outfit Tom Waits wore in the the 1974 interview when he dropped the zinger 'I've rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.' I made the Bobby Cool puppet, he's a bit shit, I need a decent one. Could he change at all during the show? So far he is only used at the beginning and at the end. Is there a way for him to change his costume and position along with mine throughout the show? So much of this piece I found by experimenting in rehearsal, and listening to the audiences that came to see it. I've had very little direction, but a whole lot of encouragement. I'm so grateful to the strangers that have taken a chance on me, to the friends who have returned over and over again, to the time when NO ONE turned up and I performed to an audience of empty chairs, imagining that each of them were Tom Waits himself, and I had to give the best ever performance or he'd sue me! I don't take anything for granted, every performance is sacred to me, whether it's full (thank you Brighton) or only a few (many of them!) and I love those shows just as much. I could never imagine performing this piece to an audience larger than 50, it sounds daft, but I have to see each of those people. I'm always amazed when anyone actually shows up, I'm nobody, I always feel that I have no right to be there. But I should, and I'm going to keep trying to be better.
 
With all of the loves, Jeu Jeu la Foille xx