Written on Sunday 5th October 2025 – Thoughts following the double bill
I know that external validation for the art we’ve made isn’t something meant to be sought. It’s not the reason to make the art in the first place. But sometimes it feels nice. The question is always about whether I can give myself enough credit. I certainly worked hard for it.
Performing my solo shows side by side was something I had never tried before. I didn’t know if I could do it, but I knew I had to try. The local community showed up and the room was full – I was so relieved. Many of the people in the audience were the woodland women I sing with, a few were people I’d met at Bunkerfest the week before when I’d performed the first two thirds of Frontal Lobotomy, ending on a cliffhanger. Some were close friends and family. There were two fifteen year old girls in the audience that my mum’s friend had brought. My boss from the school where I work and her husband came. Now she knows the debauchery that was going on the studio those five hot days in August when I rehearsed at the school.
The shows are wildly different in subject matter, but they share many of the same features…
There is a facet of the relationship with the abusive person (the relationship that inspired Testy Manifesto) that I only hint at in the show. We all know what physical, verbal, sexual abuse looks like. But spiritual abuse? It doesn’t usually get talked about, but for me it was the hardest thing to reconcile, the longest thing to heal from. I know that my soul was crushed for a long time afterwards, and that I still have a complicated relationship with God. I guess that both shows are searching for answers and knowing that they will not come.
The main difference between the shows is that I haven’t had a lobotomy, but I have been in a relationship with an abusive person. There is a personal element to Testy Manifesto that I didn’t come close to in Frontal Lobotomy. In that show every word is filtered through Tom Waits. My writing got more confident with Testy Manifesto, but I struggled to bring it to life. It formed piece by painful piece, and it took me a long time to get playful with it. It still takes a lot out of me to perform it, but when the first word of it is ‘Bonsoir’ and the audience respond with ‘BONSOIR’ you know you have them! It was a pleasure to perform for people who were rooting for me, it was such a lovely atmosphere, and my heart is very full.
People came up at the end to talk to me and hug me while I was packing up. I’m not sure what sort of shit was coming out of my mouth. I had probably said enough for one evening. There was one poem I completely messed up. My sound had a weird echo that hadn’t been there when I’d sound-checked earlier. I thought for one horrifying second that I’d forgotten to set the ice-pick – the most important prop in Frontal Lobotomy – but then found it in time. The mischievous theatre ghosts were playing a trick on me.
I received lots of lovely feedback on the work, and even on the food I’d made. I actually made more money than I’d spent (roughly £200) which I was grateful for, as money is tight for everyone I know right now. There were people in the audience who’d seen all or parts of either show before, and wanted to see them again. Some people have said to me that they get better each time, they notice different things, or the work resonates long afterwards. I wanted the evening to be an act of service. I have grappled with being an artist and calling myself that for many years. I’ve often thought why couldn’t I have been a human rights lawyer, or a war correspondent, or built houses, or saved lives. You know, useful things. But maybe, making weird theatre is my way of serving. And I don’t feel so alone and useless anymore. Overall, I’m delighted with how it went, and maybe I’ll find the motivation to do it again, as there were many people who couldn’t make it and asked if I would do it all again…
I am writing a new show. It’s about grief, death, decay. I want to bring in other voices, collective grief, international grief, the ritualising of grief. It’s so big and I’m overwhelmed. But I know how it happens now; piece by painful piece, eventually finding the humour, the playfulness. And then cooking up a storm and serving it, whether people are ready for it or not.
August 2025
When I returned from walking the Camion de Santiago in April I had a newfound focus, and got moving on doing a double bill straight away. What follows are notes on the various things I’ve done and money I’ve spent over the past five months to get ready. I’ve added to this as time went on and will post this blog the day before the performance, to ensure it’s as up to date as it can be.
Not the most interesting set of writing I’ve ever done, but I keep this blog as a record of my work, as well as a way to reflect on performances and the feedback received afterwards. Sometimes it isn’t very poetic, it’s just a case of putting the hours in.
Total Cost: £304.61
Without lamps and dress: £285.61
PREPARATION
Announcement, Initial Advertising and Review
26th April: Venue visit
27th April: Show announcement on SM.
28th July – 10th August: FB event and invites. Cleaning, repairing and repacking props and costumes. Watched videos of FL and TM. Did flyering in Southampton July 30th. Sent out email invites on Aug 6th.
Notes from viewing of ‘Frontal Lobotomy’
Playing with knowing the audience are there – removing black silk. Connect more during the struggle. Putting on the hat, big moment. Controlling the piano, also controlling me. A little rain never hurt no one. Passing light between ears and through body. Throwing it out to see if it comes back. Making sounds like they barely recognise words. Time to play with audience. Old carnival music, transforms into Doctor. Lipstick lobotomy. Futtocks exposed. Privacy of changing clothes, unaware of audience. Anger. Angle of icepick as I pull it out. Does the wink work? Turning off of lamps at close of pasties poem. Lifting arm up to the moon. Are there any volunteers. Surgery of the soul. All that’s left is us Tom. Tank girl boots. Lip sync is funny. Just me then. Wild look in eyes. Slightly sanctimonious as Doctor. Overalls, sadness, thoughtful, resigned to work. Vocal attack on tongue twister poem. Got to practise final story. Picture of innocence. Careful ritual before bed. It’s a very sweet show, far better crafted than I imagined. Sense of style. Make more of changing music on phone.
Notes from viewing of ‘Testy Manifesto’
Cloaked figure bringing in a skeleton and covering it over. French at the start, very oblique. Reveal of ballet shoes. Talking with the skeleton. A word to open eyes on. Move hands towards skull ‘sucks you in.’ Move Alfonse more. Bit with mouthcoil before Famous Last Words. Cocooning paper, then change music. Disguise bit is very intense. Impossible positions of Barbie. Funny bit. Angry undressing. Murder with stilettos. Deeply uncomfortable. Wanda’s introduction – sound effect? I have something for the memory – switch music. Sensual delight in red dress. Imaginative style. Outwardly nothing has changed. No singing, the next song you sing. Need a few more visual elements. The writing is better, but doesn’t have the same refinement as FL. I assume a character and then break it, FL draws you in gradually. What stays consistent and what do I shake up?
REHEARSALS
11th-15th August: Rehearsal and re-making damaged props and costumes.
Notes from Rehearsals 11th – 15th August
Monday: Unloading van and setting up space. Re-made Doctor Freeman picture. Did a walk through without costume changes of Frontal Lobotomy. Notes: It takes a while to switch off all of the lamps – start earlier in the text or go from the mains. Dress undoes at the back when I sit down – put on more stud fastenings. Extracts to learn better: Lamppost, Freeman 3, Ice-Earth Myth. Dressing gown when changing over set. Had idea to put a loop on Alfonse’s foot so I can get him to stamp during the poem.
Tuesday: Re-dyed overalls. Made Thank you and please donate signs. Run through of both shows working out the staging for changing music cues. Re-hem black trousers. Practise with mouthcoil. Bring wine from home – remove label first. Very Emotional Weather report needs re-learning better – just the right amount of music. Edited In Shade and Bella Ciao to go straight into first track when already onstage.
Wednesday: Ran through whole of Frontal Lobotomy with costume changes. Too exhausted to do anything else after that. Show felt nice to perform again.
Thursday: Ran through all of Testy Manifesto with costume changes. Show doesn’t feel as awkward as it used to – I’ve made peace with the pain.
Friday: Ran both shows with half hour changeover. Wet run eg used lipstick, fluids, etc. Very sweaty – there was a heatwave this week. Packed up and re-loaded van. Everything is staying in the corner of my living room until after Oct 4th.
First half of week: Re-making props, mending or swapping costumes and props. Editing music. Working out new staging for operating sound – I’ve decided to do this myself for Testy Manifesto. Running over lines, trying to find newness. Adding a mouthcoil into Testy Manifesto.
Second half of Week: Rehearsals – built up to a full run of both shows with a timed changeover.
Still plenty to do with learning lines. I can do basic run throughs at home. I had to have a break from working on the shows after this as I was on site at Shambala for 9 days. Then I needed a week to recover from Shambala. Then I was in Yorkshire for a LISPA reunion.
FINAL STAGE OF PREPARATION
30th August : First round of text invites.
2nd September: Second venue visit.
Vocal acoustics
Plugging phone into the PA
Plug sockets for lighting
How I will arrange the seating and tables
Cooking equipment they have there
Publicity
3rd September – 3rd October: Line revision, shopping and cooking food. Separate performances on Sept 10th and 28th in which I ‘plugged’ the show and gave out flyers.
Notes from Final Stage
I am performing two of Wanda’s poems (the newest ones) at a comedy night in Winchester on Sept 10th, so that gives me extra incentive to learn them.
I am performing an abridged version of Frontal Lobotomy at Bunker Fest on Sept 28th, so I’ll have incentive to learn it better for that.
The rest of my rehearsals will have to fit around other work. Today (Sept 1st) I began to plan what I was going to cook for the supper and think about how much beer and wine I’d need to buy.
I know that external validation for the art we’ve made isn’t something meant to be sought. It’s not the reason to make the art in the first place. But sometimes it feels nice. The question is always about whether I can give myself enough credit. I certainly worked hard for it.
Performing my solo shows side by side was something I had never tried before. I didn’t know if I could do it, but I knew I had to try. The local community showed up and the room was full – I was so relieved. Many of the people in the audience were the woodland women I sing with, a few were people I’d met at Bunkerfest the week before when I’d performed the first two thirds of Frontal Lobotomy, ending on a cliffhanger. Some were close friends and family. There were two fifteen year old girls in the audience that my mum’s friend had brought. My boss from the school where I work and her husband came. Now she knows the debauchery that was going on the studio those five hot days in August when I rehearsed at the school.
The shows are wildly different in subject matter, but they share many of the same features…
- They are both about humans doing terrible things to one another
- Wronged woman motif: Medusa, Jezebel.
- They both end with a myth. The cave and the monument are metaphors for my body – I only realised this once I was line-running both shows back-to-back. When you speak the words enough they start to make more sense.
- They start with an interrogation done as a voice-over. It’s the voice of the same person in both shows.
- Puppets. Wanda needs her own show.
- Getting in and out of costumes, the changes are part of the action, and don’t always go to plan. I’m learning to enjoy the struggle.
- Simple set and many props. Every item is treated as another actor, but I’m very much alone. This is my imaginary world where the toys are alive.
- I operate my own sound and lighting – something born from necessity, but now it’s a feature.
- There is a narrator character that appears four times but stands apart from the rest of the ‘story’. Frontal Lobotomy has a doctor, Testy Manifesto has a French Revolutionary.
- In both shows I have a sign I display at the end that thanks the audience for coming.
- I open both shows with a rhymical monologue that asks the audience to listen and attempts to reassure them.
- I plagiarise wildly! I use structures from songs to write from, lines from songs, books, conversations, Wikipedia.
- They are hard to watch in places, but there is contrast, and beauty – I hope.
There is a facet of the relationship with the abusive person (the relationship that inspired Testy Manifesto) that I only hint at in the show. We all know what physical, verbal, sexual abuse looks like. But spiritual abuse? It doesn’t usually get talked about, but for me it was the hardest thing to reconcile, the longest thing to heal from. I know that my soul was crushed for a long time afterwards, and that I still have a complicated relationship with God. I guess that both shows are searching for answers and knowing that they will not come.
The main difference between the shows is that I haven’t had a lobotomy, but I have been in a relationship with an abusive person. There is a personal element to Testy Manifesto that I didn’t come close to in Frontal Lobotomy. In that show every word is filtered through Tom Waits. My writing got more confident with Testy Manifesto, but I struggled to bring it to life. It formed piece by painful piece, and it took me a long time to get playful with it. It still takes a lot out of me to perform it, but when the first word of it is ‘Bonsoir’ and the audience respond with ‘BONSOIR’ you know you have them! It was a pleasure to perform for people who were rooting for me, it was such a lovely atmosphere, and my heart is very full.
People came up at the end to talk to me and hug me while I was packing up. I’m not sure what sort of shit was coming out of my mouth. I had probably said enough for one evening. There was one poem I completely messed up. My sound had a weird echo that hadn’t been there when I’d sound-checked earlier. I thought for one horrifying second that I’d forgotten to set the ice-pick – the most important prop in Frontal Lobotomy – but then found it in time. The mischievous theatre ghosts were playing a trick on me.
I received lots of lovely feedback on the work, and even on the food I’d made. I actually made more money than I’d spent (roughly £200) which I was grateful for, as money is tight for everyone I know right now. There were people in the audience who’d seen all or parts of either show before, and wanted to see them again. Some people have said to me that they get better each time, they notice different things, or the work resonates long afterwards. I wanted the evening to be an act of service. I have grappled with being an artist and calling myself that for many years. I’ve often thought why couldn’t I have been a human rights lawyer, or a war correspondent, or built houses, or saved lives. You know, useful things. But maybe, making weird theatre is my way of serving. And I don’t feel so alone and useless anymore. Overall, I’m delighted with how it went, and maybe I’ll find the motivation to do it again, as there were many people who couldn’t make it and asked if I would do it all again…
I am writing a new show. It’s about grief, death, decay. I want to bring in other voices, collective grief, international grief, the ritualising of grief. It’s so big and I’m overwhelmed. But I know how it happens now; piece by painful piece, eventually finding the humour, the playfulness. And then cooking up a storm and serving it, whether people are ready for it or not.
August 2025
When I returned from walking the Camion de Santiago in April I had a newfound focus, and got moving on doing a double bill straight away. What follows are notes on the various things I’ve done and money I’ve spent over the past five months to get ready. I’ve added to this as time went on and will post this blog the day before the performance, to ensure it’s as up to date as it can be.
Not the most interesting set of writing I’ve ever done, but I keep this blog as a record of my work, as well as a way to reflect on performances and the feedback received afterwards. Sometimes it isn’t very poetic, it’s just a case of putting the hours in.
Total Cost: £304.61
Without lamps and dress: £285.61
PREPARATION
Announcement, Initial Advertising and Review
26th April: Venue visit
27th April: Show announcement on SM.
28th July – 10th August: FB event and invites. Cleaning, repairing and repacking props and costumes. Watched videos of FL and TM. Did flyering in Southampton July 30th. Sent out email invites on Aug 6th.
Notes from viewing of ‘Frontal Lobotomy’
Playing with knowing the audience are there – removing black silk. Connect more during the struggle. Putting on the hat, big moment. Controlling the piano, also controlling me. A little rain never hurt no one. Passing light between ears and through body. Throwing it out to see if it comes back. Making sounds like they barely recognise words. Time to play with audience. Old carnival music, transforms into Doctor. Lipstick lobotomy. Futtocks exposed. Privacy of changing clothes, unaware of audience. Anger. Angle of icepick as I pull it out. Does the wink work? Turning off of lamps at close of pasties poem. Lifting arm up to the moon. Are there any volunteers. Surgery of the soul. All that’s left is us Tom. Tank girl boots. Lip sync is funny. Just me then. Wild look in eyes. Slightly sanctimonious as Doctor. Overalls, sadness, thoughtful, resigned to work. Vocal attack on tongue twister poem. Got to practise final story. Picture of innocence. Careful ritual before bed. It’s a very sweet show, far better crafted than I imagined. Sense of style. Make more of changing music on phone.
Notes from viewing of ‘Testy Manifesto’
Cloaked figure bringing in a skeleton and covering it over. French at the start, very oblique. Reveal of ballet shoes. Talking with the skeleton. A word to open eyes on. Move hands towards skull ‘sucks you in.’ Move Alfonse more. Bit with mouthcoil before Famous Last Words. Cocooning paper, then change music. Disguise bit is very intense. Impossible positions of Barbie. Funny bit. Angry undressing. Murder with stilettos. Deeply uncomfortable. Wanda’s introduction – sound effect? I have something for the memory – switch music. Sensual delight in red dress. Imaginative style. Outwardly nothing has changed. No singing, the next song you sing. Need a few more visual elements. The writing is better, but doesn’t have the same refinement as FL. I assume a character and then break it, FL draws you in gradually. What stays consistent and what do I shake up?
REHEARSALS
11th-15th August: Rehearsal and re-making damaged props and costumes.
Notes from Rehearsals 11th – 15th August
Monday: Unloading van and setting up space. Re-made Doctor Freeman picture. Did a walk through without costume changes of Frontal Lobotomy. Notes: It takes a while to switch off all of the lamps – start earlier in the text or go from the mains. Dress undoes at the back when I sit down – put on more stud fastenings. Extracts to learn better: Lamppost, Freeman 3, Ice-Earth Myth. Dressing gown when changing over set. Had idea to put a loop on Alfonse’s foot so I can get him to stamp during the poem.
Tuesday: Re-dyed overalls. Made Thank you and please donate signs. Run through of both shows working out the staging for changing music cues. Re-hem black trousers. Practise with mouthcoil. Bring wine from home – remove label first. Very Emotional Weather report needs re-learning better – just the right amount of music. Edited In Shade and Bella Ciao to go straight into first track when already onstage.
Wednesday: Ran through whole of Frontal Lobotomy with costume changes. Too exhausted to do anything else after that. Show felt nice to perform again.
Thursday: Ran through all of Testy Manifesto with costume changes. Show doesn’t feel as awkward as it used to – I’ve made peace with the pain.
Friday: Ran both shows with half hour changeover. Wet run eg used lipstick, fluids, etc. Very sweaty – there was a heatwave this week. Packed up and re-loaded van. Everything is staying in the corner of my living room until after Oct 4th.
First half of week: Re-making props, mending or swapping costumes and props. Editing music. Working out new staging for operating sound – I’ve decided to do this myself for Testy Manifesto. Running over lines, trying to find newness. Adding a mouthcoil into Testy Manifesto.
Second half of Week: Rehearsals – built up to a full run of both shows with a timed changeover.
Still plenty to do with learning lines. I can do basic run throughs at home. I had to have a break from working on the shows after this as I was on site at Shambala for 9 days. Then I needed a week to recover from Shambala. Then I was in Yorkshire for a LISPA reunion.
FINAL STAGE OF PREPARATION
30th August : First round of text invites.
2nd September: Second venue visit.
Vocal acoustics
Plugging phone into the PA
Plug sockets for lighting
How I will arrange the seating and tables
Cooking equipment they have there
Publicity
3rd September – 3rd October: Line revision, shopping and cooking food. Separate performances on Sept 10th and 28th in which I ‘plugged’ the show and gave out flyers.
Notes from Final Stage
I am performing two of Wanda’s poems (the newest ones) at a comedy night in Winchester on Sept 10th, so that gives me extra incentive to learn them.
I am performing an abridged version of Frontal Lobotomy at Bunker Fest on Sept 28th, so I’ll have incentive to learn it better for that.
The rest of my rehearsals will have to fit around other work. Today (Sept 1st) I began to plan what I was going to cook for the supper and think about how much beer and wine I’d need to buy.
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